Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Dan Likes Shark Week

*pssht* man. You don't even know. You see all the ads now, and all of the twitterers talking and gapping their big flapp gums talkin'bout "Oh, damn, man it's SHARK WEEK now, so let's talk about how much we like learning about SHARKS on the Discovery TV Channel *muuuweeeeh* look at me I'm so special; and SHARKS." Text Color

Please. I've been watching SHARK WEEK since I was a kid man. You don't have any idea.

- I still have my 3D glasses from that episode back in two-thousand (2000) when they had the 3D extinct giant SHARK all like in your grill.

- I was there in two-thousand-five (2005) when the American Chopper guys were all like, "Let's learn about SHARKS and motorcycles together, JABRONI"

Let's learn about SHARKS and motorcycles together, JABRONI

- I remember the MythBusters JAWS special when MythBuster Carrie was impregnated by a SHARK

- My friend's cousin has a mom who totally went to college with Mike Rowe (host of SHARK WEEK in two-thousand-six [2006], dude) and totally gave him a handie behind the TKE house.

You idiots don't even know what Anatomy Of A Shark Bite is. It's like, "Oh, I'm gonna learn so much about SHARKS this week," and it's like so played out now. You don't know the real SHARK WEEK, before it was SHARK WEEK. Now it's all corporate. It's all "how much money can we make off of these SHARKS," instead of being about the SHARKS themselves.

Now all you see are kids walking around in their SHARK tooth hats, and flashing their SHARK skin wallets and drinking SHARK fin soda. It's really a shame, man. Before the media and the corporations got a hold of everything, SHARK WEEK was so cool and original. Now it's all derivative. I can't even watch JAWS anymore without wondering if Robert Shaw is really that drunk. That's how jaded we've become.

You're gonna need a bigger bottle of brandy, CHIEF JABRONI.

So you keep it "real" with your SHARK derivative programming. They should rename it SHARD WEEK because that's all it's become; just a SHARD of the series that first captured our immagination with tales of SHARKS and more SHARKS. You're all a bunch of slaves.

Dan texted me last night:

"Live every week like it's SHARK WEEK"

*sigh* I wish I could share your disposition, Dan. I really wish I could.

Anatomy Of A Shark Bite

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