Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Breaking Jovi News

So, you remember this?? We were all jazzed about writing a song to be the next pirate-hatted FreeCreditReport.com song writers. I mean, it was inevatable. We are awesome, and we can surely write kick-ass tuneage regarding the importance of whatever the hell that website does (it really is a mystery).

Well, Josh did some digging and came up with - I have to say - some pretty rock-solid mathematical evidence as to how we would win the competition

"We should be a favorite to win due to our fan to fan vote ratio, popular bands...say for instance Jovi, have millions of fans of which only a percentage will vote say 6,848,612 or in imperical number 87.6% or in FTFVR .876"

He goes on to say that because all of our fans are extremely loyal, we should have no problem beating out Jovi or any other band by virtue of the fact that we kill it in FTFVR. This logic = flawless.

Well, it turns out the good people at FreeCreditScoreportage.com don't give a hoot about this metric, and calculate on total votes instead. PHOEY!!

Well, as you can tell, this puts us in a precarious position. How do we win this competition against the likes of a powerhouse like Jovi who, despite sucking much more than us at music have had a 20 year head-start on fan hoarding?? I mean, I'm sure we'll reach the worldwide level of band domination on par with Jovi in five, maybe six months...but until then?? SCREWED.

Or maybe not...it turns out Jovi released an album not too long ago entitled Have a Nice Day. The acronym for that title is H.A.N.D. Hmmm...interesting. What, exactly, Jovi, is it that you want to "HAND" us?? Affordable housing, social services and crisis relief?? Hardly. You see, we now have evidence of the dasterdly plan to hand us good citizens of the world...

...A GLOBAL RACE OF ARYAN SUPER BABIES!!




AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!



Well, I think that just about does it, doesn't it?? Who are you gonna vote for now?? Your good friends at New Member Charles, or a bunch of New Jersey Nazis?? That's what I thought. And be warned FreeCreditReScoreFinder.com. Don't be fooled by the alure of Jovi. Our good buddy and Charles once hooked up the ghost of Winston Churchill with some Cuban cigars, so don't think we'd be hesitant to call in a favor.

***************************************************

DISCLAIMER: This site is intended as satire only, and should not be in any way taken as the truth. Jon Bon Jovi does a lot of great charity work thru his foundation, which you can find by following the links above. Seriously, neither Bon Jovi not their music have anything to do with Nazism or any frame of thought that could be confused for Nazism. We kid because we love. Their charity work...not really their music, though. We're more Dokken fans here.

No comments:

Post a Comment