Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hump Day Moustache: 07/28/2010

Hi!! I'm back from vacation everybody, and feel rested and refreshed!! And also very rested!!

So where did I go to get all rested and rested?? Branson, Mizzouri!! (they spell everything with z's there)



This Majestic View is still better than the movie "The Majestic"

Branson, known as the City of the Golden Z's was founded by Alfred Molina in 1982. But I'm not here to talk about Branson. That's Josh's job the next time we play at the Pierce Arrow Theatre. Nope, I need to get caught back up on the goings on of the world wide world while I was Ozark Mountain Daredevil-ing for the past week. So what happened while I was away??

- BP still sucks. Did you know that??
- The Kansas City Royals: Awesome at sucking at baseball
- Mike Tyson bit a man's ear off. That was bad.
- A bunch of people who know a bunch of stuff about numbers did a bunch of things to a bunch of numbers on Wall Street.
- Oh, and this guy's moustache said this:

The only thing that I love more than Forced Nationalization of Industry is: HITLER!!


OK, so I know Oliver Stone wasn't really saying that Hitler was good or anything. He was simply trying to explain that the forces behind his coming into power are largely unknown, and that exposing those causes would be an important lesson in history. Yeah, so why is it that we don't know as much as we do.

Waitwhat?? Oh...The Jews?? Shit...

Oh, well. So what do we know now about Oliver Stone:

- Thinks the Jews who control the media have over-exaggerated the scope of the Holocaust
- Thinks the Jews who control the media have hidden the true vehicles to Hitler's rise to power
- Thinks being a commie nutbag is a good thing
- Thinks Charlie Sheen is a good enough actor to base a Vietnam War epic around
- Thinks Tom Cruise is a good enough actor to base a Vietnam War Epic around
- Probably listens to JoviHitler.

What a fucker.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Fair Enough

Ahh nothing like a witty turn of phrase to raise the hairs on one's neck, J here with a quick blip on the Iowa State Fair show.... we're really playing it! The full schedule just came out and New Member Charles is on it and also in the Juice (which is a weekly here in Des Moines for those of you not from the area), meaning we need YOU dear fan to come drink beer and eat calories on a stick while we try to make your body reject the beer and calories on a stick with our tight musical stylings. Please spread the word so that we can beat our attendence record of 0 from last year, how can you do this? See below

Dan and Chris minutes after last years show...we killed it!

Script on how to get people to come to see New Member Charles at the Iowa State Fair.

Timil- Hey Jim Jim are you going to see the rock band New Member Charles at the Budweiser tent August 20th at 3 pm at the Iowa State fair in 90 degree weather and 100% humidity.
Jim Jim- Who?
Timil- New Member Charles.
Jim Jim- Wait i thought you Just said there name was "New Member Charles at the Budweiser tent August 20th at 3 pm at the Iowa State fair in 90 degree weather and 100% humidity"?
Timil- No no, that was their name plus a description of the date, location and expected weather conditions for the show.
Jim Jim- Oh i get it, the Bands Name is "New Member Charles".
Timil- Yes are you going?
Jim Jim- NO.
Timil- You should, i heard there a really neat band.
Jim Jim-Ok i would love to go, i work that day but i will quit my job cause its not important to have income for my 2 year old daughter and mortgage, not when a neat band is playing. Can you pick me up so i can save gas money since i wont have a job after the show.
Timil-Nope i gotta take some babes to the show so i wont have room, you should fly.
Jim Jim- Oh i forgot that i had this set of unicorn wings, yeah im just gonna fly ill see ya there.

Cheers,
J

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Welcome back Dan, and new demo up.

J here with big big news! Its has been a few months since Dan announced his retirement from New Member Charles to pursue his dream of becoming a professional fishing man. As his friends and bandmates we fully supported his decision to follow his dream and we let him continue to work with us as our session drummer with the stipulation that all his earnings that would have gone to him would go to Charles. Charles Chris and I continued to write tirelessly and Dan went on week long tours on the fishing man circut after which we would fill him in on the music. It was all going well until we began to see a change in Dan. No loger was he his old chipper self, he would come to our Monthly rehearsal angry, tired and with only one drum stick, he was also losing weight at an abnormal rate reaching a staggering 46 pounds at one point. We later found out that Dan was not as successful on the fishing man tour as he had led on and was living out of the back of his 1975 monte carlo. He had pawned one of his drum sticks to buy bait and hadn't caught a descent fish in weeks spurning him to pull casting tricks for change to buy gas to get him to the next fishing man competition. Last week Joey Fatone chairman of the Fishing man association dismissed Dan due to his third last place finish in 2 weeks ( picture from final weight in below).



Despite the fact that all other competitors had boats dan still managed to catch a fish, but is still a failure.


Dan came back to Iowa the next night and we all decided it was time and with that on behalf of Charles and Chris I, I would like to publicly welcome Dan back as an official member of New Member Charles, but on reduced pay (minimum wage) until we are certain his bait addiction has been handled. All of us couldn't be happier and we are accepting donations to get Dan a new drum stick, as we spent the 5 grand we made in KC on BBQ and Sweet Tea liquor.

Also in other news we posted a bare bones demo demon version of a new song called "The Room Has Changed" on our Myspace page. Check it out and let us know what ya think if ya get's a sec. We should have new cleaner demo versions of most our songs by our aug 13th show at the Mews so stay tuned and also keep your eyes peeled this week for the live video of our song "Paris" taken from our multi cam practice a few weeks ago.

Praise Be to Charles,

J

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Hump Day Houstache: 07/15/2010

So, super duper show on Saturday folks!! Josh made his thoughts clear on Monday (supersweet gong in pic #2), and I just want to piggy-back on him by saying that doin' it live was the bestest decision ever, and we Ruck the Fuck outta some bitches.

Here, for my weekly duty, I have selected our very own (DAN!!) as the recipient of the very prostegious honor of the Hump Day Moustache (for the second time!!).

OK, so this pic was already featured on Josh's Monday post, but this will be different becuse I present it in the form of a scene from my yet to be written three act suspense thriller. The full project still doesn't have a title, but I have named this particular scene "The Poop of Chili Town." Does best when you imagine it with ominous violins and such:

ME [knocking on door]: DAN!! What the eff, man. We gotta go?!?!

Dan: Just hang on a sec, man.

Me: C'mon, man...we gotta get on the road. The Queen is totally waiting for us to Ruck the Fuck outta Wembly Stadium!!

Dan: Just one more minute.

[door bursts open]

Me: Still Nuthin'??

Dan: Still Nuthin'

Me: Jesus, man. Eat some prunes.

-FIN-

Monday, July 12, 2010

We played a concert....does that mean we're a band?

New Member Charles has officially landed. Here are a few pics from our first excursion into the world of live-ness. Next week we'll prolly be on the late show with Bill Mahoney playing our songs and talking about science fiction books in top dollar threads. Until then drink up the fun that was our first show, live from Kansas city aka the emerald tower city. We opened for Black and Bier at Winslows BBQ and the only thing that was better than the BBQ was our tambourine playing 5th member of the band Charles, without whom none of this would be possible. It was a hoot and we only startled 70% of the people in attendance with our uniforms worn in honor of breaking the cham-pain over our Charles boat. Cheers j









Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Breaking Jovi News

So, you remember this?? We were all jazzed about writing a song to be the next pirate-hatted FreeCreditReport.com song writers. I mean, it was inevatable. We are awesome, and we can surely write kick-ass tuneage regarding the importance of whatever the hell that website does (it really is a mystery).

Well, Josh did some digging and came up with - I have to say - some pretty rock-solid mathematical evidence as to how we would win the competition

"We should be a favorite to win due to our fan to fan vote ratio, popular bands...say for instance Jovi, have millions of fans of which only a percentage will vote say 6,848,612 or in imperical number 87.6% or in FTFVR .876"

He goes on to say that because all of our fans are extremely loyal, we should have no problem beating out Jovi or any other band by virtue of the fact that we kill it in FTFVR. This logic = flawless.

Well, it turns out the good people at FreeCreditScoreportage.com don't give a hoot about this metric, and calculate on total votes instead. PHOEY!!

Well, as you can tell, this puts us in a precarious position. How do we win this competition against the likes of a powerhouse like Jovi who, despite sucking much more than us at music have had a 20 year head-start on fan hoarding?? I mean, I'm sure we'll reach the worldwide level of band domination on par with Jovi in five, maybe six months...but until then?? SCREWED.

Or maybe not...it turns out Jovi released an album not too long ago entitled Have a Nice Day. The acronym for that title is H.A.N.D. Hmmm...interesting. What, exactly, Jovi, is it that you want to "HAND" us?? Affordable housing, social services and crisis relief?? Hardly. You see, we now have evidence of the dasterdly plan to hand us good citizens of the world...

...A GLOBAL RACE OF ARYAN SUPER BABIES!!




AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!



Well, I think that just about does it, doesn't it?? Who are you gonna vote for now?? Your good friends at New Member Charles, or a bunch of New Jersey Nazis?? That's what I thought. And be warned FreeCreditReScoreFinder.com. Don't be fooled by the alure of Jovi. Our good buddy and Charles once hooked up the ghost of Winston Churchill with some Cuban cigars, so don't think we'd be hesitant to call in a favor.

***************************************************

DISCLAIMER: This site is intended as satire only, and should not be in any way taken as the truth. Jon Bon Jovi does a lot of great charity work thru his foundation, which you can find by following the links above. Seriously, neither Bon Jovi not their music have anything to do with Nazism or any frame of thought that could be confused for Nazism. We kid because we love. Their charity work...not really their music, though. We're more Dokken fans here.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Horse Collar video

Heres the first of a few videos from one of our practices from June. This is a new diddy, you may have heard about here called Horse Collar. This was all shot on 5 24 np hd cameras with red rock lenses dumped to p2 cards and then rendered to look like a substandard 30i ntsc signal and then rendered down to a low grade avi so it would fit on you tube. The sound is average at best, but it was recorded using 4 diamond microphones made of silk so suck it. Stay tuned for more psudo-hd mid grade diamond-silky sounding video to come from your friends at new member Charles.


CHEERS,

J

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Tour Guide: KANSAS CITY, MO

Greetings and Salutations, it is J here with the first of many New Member Charles Tour Guides. These guides will be submitted before our upcoming shows to let our thousands of adoring fans know what the haps on the craps is in the respective cities/areas where are shows are at. Our first stop brings us to Kansas City where we will be playing our first live show together at none other than Winslow’s BBQ, located in the city market area of downtown Kansas City. First some back ground on Kansas City also know as The City of 3 Breezes…

History
Kansas City, was founded in 1972 by Jimmi Smits (know for his LA Law fame) as a land trade done by the hippies in exchange for a bag of marbles and a fried pork tenderloin sandwich.


Obama: "Thats a good knock knock Jimmi"
Smits: "Of course it is I founded Kansas City"

Smits, only 18 at the time, saw the potential of the land and was encouraged by the fertile soil, beautiful rivers and abundance of Native American cursed land which allowed for the deal to go through cheaply, this can also explain why the current sports teams seem to have a hex on them. Seen poltergeist...i thought so... watch out for clown dolls! Initially named Worlds of Fun by Smits, the town went on to abandon the name 4 years later due to the increasing popularity of the band Kansas. In tribute to Smits, for founding the city, an Amusement park/ museum was opened then known as Smits’s Worlds of Fun, now knowN as Worlds of Fun as a result of Smits Joining the cast of LA law rather then the failed pilot Kansas City Law. The town has also since denounced Smits and its people are forbidden to speak of him, Smits also has chosen to denounce them by appearing first three Star Wars movies, they could care less, they have the Royals.



When founded, the town had a population of 15 settlers and in the 28 years since inception KC has grown to a population of over 65 thousand. Over the years a lot of neat neat things have happened there, but none of those are important because you fair reader have only 1 thing on your mind….food…do they have food in Kansas City? How much is it? Can I buy it anywhere? Do I need a medical card to buy food in Kansas City? Rest easy this will all be covered.

Food: Kansas City is widely know for its BBQ and lets face it, we all love some BBQ, so I’ve decided to skip the BBQ joints, due to the fact that there is 26.5 BBQ restaurants per city block in KC (short for Kansas City)heck we’re playing at a BBQ joint so plan on eating there and during the day go right for what Kansas city should be know for, good old fashioned Fast Food. I will cover the top three selections I feel Kansas City has to offer.



Foods


1. McDonalds : 4002 North Oak Trafficway location. This location has really good burgers. (that’s short for hamburger) And they recently got a new trash can, which is exciting.






View Larger Map



2. Burger King : 1102 Emanuel Cleaver II blvd location. This location also has really good burgers, and lots of seating.






View Larger Map


3. McDonalds: 6305 northeast Antioch rd location: You think, what??? Mcdonalds again?? Well piss and moan all you want but you’ll be a warm lump of bliss once you have one of their shakes, burgers are really good here too.






View Larger Map
Sights and Attractions:


Ok so KC has some pretty dope food.... I got rotgut now, what do I do next Charles? This one is easy my friends you say screw everything, museums, cemeteries, wood factories….blah blah boring and go right for it ….Smits’s….er rather just plain simple Worlds of Fun. Its technically a museum so you will sound refined and on those hot KC summer days (ave temp 142 degrees Celsius) you needs to kool off with a balloon shaped lemonade and some rollercoaster fun. And Afterword why not hit up one of the restaurants listed above to build a base for a gut full of ghost infused emo sports rock.Add Image



The Scarey Coaster- A death defying 26 foot drop


Directions:

If you coming from out of town get on a major interstate or road and drive till you see a sign for Kansas City, if you see signs that don’t say Kansas City try another diection.

New Member Charles
Live at Winslow’s BBQ- SAT July 10th 2010 7:00 PM
20 East 15th street KC, MO

Friday, July 2, 2010

Reset Expectaiotns to "Balls"; "Holy Balls"

Wow!! Saw a preview of the webcast show from J last night, and as you can probably decipher from the headline, it was much more Super Dude-ical than even we expected. The sound problems seem to have been a function of buying headphone monitors from the good people at Fisher Pirce instead of the music sounding like crap outright. Once played thru a proper sound-source, the real New Member Charles comes out and we "Ruck the Fuck" outta some bitches.

Josh still has some editing to do, though:

"I still have to transmorgify webcam 2 and then synch up the lean'ender board with the silk scrim. Then, it's just a simple matter of linking the draft-match to my HLBXT hard drive. Easy as pie!!"

Dude, I'm telling you, you can totally see bush!!

You see, Josh went to film school, so I completely trust every word he says. And I totally don't think he was trying to fuck with me while I was just nodding at everything he said in an attempt to make him thinkg that I knew what the fuck he was talking about...not at all. (Those lean'ender boards can be tricky, after all.)

Except for the part where he says, "easy as pie!!" I mean, what makes pie so easy??

Who the fuck says that??

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