Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Charles update: Cement Forest


Dan: Is that a tree?
Josh: Yup.

Hey everybody, we've got news, boy have we got news, big news, what news you ask? Well how about the fact that New Member Charles just took a field trip to the worlds only cement grounded forest. Does that get you intrigued? I would hope so. If you notice Dan and I are standing on pure concrete, any scientist knows that stuff cant grow from concrete, well scientists are stupid cause Im pretty sure that theirs trees growing out of this concrete. Don't believe me look at the picture dumbass cause the proof is in the pudding...the concrete pudding. Chris was standing behind the camera and he kept saying "guys are those trees coming from that concrete?" The above picture will be like the divinci code for science makers everywhere allowing us to know that stuff is complex all the time everyplace, for instance trees, they can grow from concrete all the time everyplace and this picture is proof. Other updates in the works regarding recording and shows, but this was too important of a discovery so we'll let you come down off this buzz first. Concrete, trees.

Always bless your children,
J

Friday, October 22, 2010

Show Boatin with Hank Stephenson- this week Des Moines and New Member Charles



Hey there Cyberdogs, Hank Stephenson here with another install of "Show Boatin w yours truly, where we cover the most popular open mics in the country and try to find the next big Taylor Swift. Last week we saw Jimmis east world in Yukon, PA at Cho Cho's crab house. If you didn't read the blog, do it now cause it was an amazing show, the crab wasn't to bad either. After heading west we came across Des Moines Iowa, a town know famous for it delicious hummus boards, beautiful bridges and its surprise open mics. One of my readers commented this when he noticed my twitter feed announcing we were hitting Des Moines.


View Larger Map

"Hank so excited your coming to Des Moines for Show Boating, I promise you will find the best open mics around, but you need to seek out one of our famous Surprise open mics we are world famous for. Me and my gal Juliandra were grabbing a Brutus at Applebees the other night and our server recognized me from one of my bands and let me know an open mic just broke out the kitchen. Four minutes later I was playing Turtles songs with the line cook and a half blind pastor named Mr. Gooding JR right next to the salad station... Made the Wat scan us top 10 open mic charts for the week, hope you can run into one of these -Kunie, Des moines"

RENDERING BASED ON HANDWRITING


We had heard of this phenomena before in Des Moines and decided we would try and seek one of these out.We cruised into the city on beautiful interstate 235 and headed downtown to see if we could run into a surprise open mic (Sopen mic). We started our search at dawn at a hot club called the surf shack where they we're serving free hot dogs and had a deal where for 10 dollars you could drink all you wanted out of a 3 oz shitty plastic glass. So we spent the next 3 hours consuming processed meat, drinking sippie cups full of Hawkeye vodka and red juice and waited for an open mic to break out. After hearing what appeared to be a mix tape of the worst dance songs from 1991 4 times we decided to split and cut our losses and see if we could find on open mic the next day an Ames.


While crossing the street we saw a group of fellas mumbling about gear whores and fried chicken, upon stopping to ask them where we could find whores and fried chicken they explained they we're getting gear for an open mic that was rumored to have whores and fried chicken at it, after 3 hours in the most miserable bar in the milky way we caught our brake. The guys we ran into we're a band called "The Big Tuxedos", they had just played at the Vaudeville Mews, a nice little venue that houses a variety of music. We hopped in our car, grabbed 8 four loko's, and followed them to an art warehouse in a neighborhood in Des moines called the east village.

We arrived to find a group of 10 or so people and a band Called New Member Charles playing loud music that sounded like a mixture of Pile Dragons early stuff and Frank Johnson's new york albums. The venue was beautifully laid out with art lining the walls and girls passing whiskey around. Naturally we imbibed the whiskey and began to drink our four loko's while getting used to our surroundings. It was then that we were quickly tele-ported to the neulon region and greeted by 4 winged ferries eating fried chicken. We sat with them as we finished our last drops of four loko and talked of recipes involving sour cream and listen to old albums by one of their favorite artists on a primitive alien music device called a ZUNE. I became chalmed with Tolo the one in green, she told me of her filkening and later took me back to her tree fort and we made made hard gross love and went to sleep in a pile of dead bugs.


"HARD GROSS LOVE"



I awoke back on earth at the open mic but the room had changed, the art was gone it was light out side and no gear or booze remained. A ghost was standing over me smoking meth, it was Charles the 5th member of New Member Charles, the band playing last night before i traveled in time to another dimension. It seems four loko has plutonium in it and allows the heart to work as a flex capacitor allowing for time and space travel and a damn fine drunk. While we didn't get to get to enjoy the open mic or much of New Member Charles or any of the Big Tuxedos we can say this was a top 10 open mic and as far as Sopen mics go Des Moines has it on lock down. Not very often you get to hear some music, travel to another dimension, get laid by a non human intelligent species and get drunk, if i hadn't quit smoking in july and could have had a Marlboro it would have been the perfect night. Get to Des Moines and search one of these Sopen mics out.

Next week we travel to Montana for one of their classic ranching open mics and delicious beef jerky jagerbombs.

Keep open mic-ing,


Hank Stephenson


ME BEFORE EXCEPTING MY AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN OPEN MICS

PIZZA PARTY

Hello friends!! Well, you all missed a helluva night last night in Charles-burg-ville. So, we were all in the rehearsal space, rucking the fuck out of the dust mites and spiders that generally hang out in the rehearsal space when we ran across a good friend and rehersal space building compadre who informed us that he was starting an OPEN MIC NIGHT in the upstairs portion of the rehearsal space building!! Well, excited as I was about that, I immediately extended the music antenna attached to my brain and started channeling the awesome alien-music-ness and turning it into into awesome human-music-ness via a kick-ass and new BASS LINE.

Well, as usually happenes in a Charles-sesh, J kicked in with a blusey B major5thflat71/2th chord structure on top of said BASS LINE while Dan ran around the drumset like a chicken with his head cut off (he did this like, spiritually, not literally, yo) and laid down the awesome beat. We called this cool breeze of a jam PIZZA PARTY, and proceeded to take it upstairs to the open mic and totally rucked the fuck outta some bitches!!

AWWWWW, YEEEAH

So not only did we debut the new jam (which is still currently a work in progress though, dude), but we ran thru our full stable of Charles Classics that are always guaranteed to raise a smile. Mad props also go to our firends in The Big Tuxedos who traveled accross the great Des Moines River to share in our open mic-ness and play a set after us. Wicked. And also to Amy Badger for rucking some solo KAREN O up on stage after that. Amy is the new lead singer in my other, Charles-less project called Love Songs for Lonley Monsters which (quick plug, yo) play on Thursday October 28 at Vaudeville Mews with JOAN OF ARC. Double Wicked.

As soon as we figure out who the hell the guy who threw the open mic was (we still don't know), we'll try to get the pictures he was taking up on the site. As for J, I'm sure he'll be along shortly to give a slightly different, yet entirely more amusing take of what we will from now on call our WEEKLY ANNUAL PIZZA PARTY OPEN MIC, BITCHES.

Whiskey bottle pulls for all!!

Huzzah!!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

New Member Charles...Now Headliners!

Ehoy Rabid Charles fans, I write you with big big news. From the onset of our bandness Dan Chris and I have been following a 6 year plan to global dominance, after which we hope to have our song Jokey Smurf Box be the new Global Anthem and The Spotted Ghost be the new world government mascot. It appears this is going to happen sooner then expected now.
.
We played our 4th show last night at Des Moines's's's own Vaudeville Mews and after playing to a near packed house we we're told that the show was over, meaning we were the only band to play on the bill for the late show.. meaning.... more dots.... a few more dots.... we just headlined!
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The details of why we were the only band to play are unimportant at this juncture what is important is the we now know we have to ability to headline and carry a whole show on our own, as long as that show is only supposed to be 35 minutes long and earn a raging 11 dollars. We hadnt planned on reaching this milestone until August of 2012 which means you'll prolly be seeing lunch boxes and teenbeat magazines with our faces on em with in the comming days.
.
Being that we were the suprise headliner our label's graphic designer Limmith Temon didnt get a poster out or run a promotional campaign, which is understandable, no hard feelings Limmith. That doesnt mean we're not going to though, so without further charpeting I'm proud to unvail our 1st poster as a headlining band and encourage you all to come to our show last night October 9th 2010 at the Vaude.
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We have also decied to call this a World Tour as we need to cross that off our bucket list as well
All in all it was a good show and we hope you enjoy it, it saw the 1st incarnation of our new Song Jokey Smurf Box and was the first show that Charles failed to make it on stage for, due to an apparent Yoohoo overdose, he is now in stable condition and we are told he is going to be fine for a guy that is already dead. PLEASE MAKE SURE TO COME TO THE SHOW AT LEAST 15 MINUTES EARLY AS SPACE WILL BE LIMITED.
Stay tuned for further dates and info on our new Demo that will hopefully be in the works in the next month or 2.
We are all candy
J

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Here's How My Fictional Conversation With the Members of Remma Will Go Tonight

Oh, hi members of the band Remma. So, you're the Irish band from Cork, Ireland who New Member Charles is opening up for tonight at the Vaudeville Mews in Des Moines, IA show starts at 10:00 PM so be there at 10:00 PM sharp. Hey, I heard that you were signed in 2003 by none other than Morrissey, right??



Wow, that's great, so you know Morrissey too?? Yeah, that's right. Me and Morrissey* go way back. He told me that we were playing together tonight, and that you would be bringing me a present. So...oh, you don't know what I'm talking about?? Haha...that Moz. What a cut-up. So like him to be forgetful.

Well, anyways, the next time you see him, don't forget to remind him to send me that autographed first edition print of Meat is Murder. Sure, he'll act all aloof and probably say that he has no idea who I am, but haha...that's just like him.

Oh, and here's three pounds of Iowa pork chops to give him...I'm sure he'll love them.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

New Member Charles Investigates the Death of Charles vol 1

As the world now knows Charles is the Keyboard player and multi instrumentalist 4th member of our band, much akin to Jay Bennett of Wilco fame, although charles is a ghost, but so is Jay Bennett so it was a better comparison then i thought. Anywho we dont know how Charles came to be eg. how he Died and he wont disclose his real last name so we have no way to know who he really was when he was in the flesh, So perodically we will post an acutal story of someone named charles who has died and has similar traits to our band member in hopes to unlock the secret that drives us, "Who is New Member Charles".
This Week: The Death of Charlie Garbenstanch

Could this Inspirational dead musician be our keyboard playing ghost?


September 26nd 2002 Charlie Garbenstanch had just finished playing a set at the montgomery blvd Applbee's in Alburquerque. Applebee's, known nationwide for there senseable prices on american quisine and for there monsterous 17 oz beers known as the brutus, was among Charles's favorite place to play his prized Giovanni keyboard. He did not know though, that this gig of watered down 80's pop and 17oz beers would be the last he would ever play thanks to the pastime of the sinister known only as murder. Charlie had just closed his set with a version of bicycle racer by queen and was collecting his tips for the night while taking down a refreshing 17 oz miller lite and munching on an order of dynamite shrimp , Plump, succulent shrimp coated in crispy panko bread crumbs and fried, then tossed in a spicy sauce all for 6.69, but on this night they were on the house, AND HE WAS ABOUT TO BE ON THE GROUND ....DEAD.

Indiana- "Just a baby sip dad!"
Sean Connery- "Ive already had 7 Brutus's Junior and my liver is madder than a kentucky bull."

After packing his gear into his back pack he got on his razor scooter around 1:46 am and began his trek home, but he wouldnt make it. By 1:58 he had made to the intersection of la Charles and Bermuda where authorites believe he lost control of his razor scooter and hit a parked car at speeds exceeding 8 mph. Hurt badly and in a drunken brutus stuper he walked along the road looking for help making it to the corner of tracy and la charles around 2:13 am when he was hit by a street sweeper and dragged to the 4100 block of shenandoah, he then laid for approximatly 56 minutes before being ran cleanly over at 3:18 am by a beautiful 2001 maroon pt driven by a 93 year old male who asked not to be identified. Charlie Garbenstanch then promtly died around 3:19, the cause of Charles's death was ruled to be multiple impacts involving non pc modes of transportation. Seen below are actual snap shots of the crime scene taken by a detective in a trenchcoat.


A lesson learned, if your going to drink more then 1 Brutus, leave the scooter and take a tuk tuk

A map of Charles's last moments click for direct link.

Is this our charles? Maybe, he is one of 4 people to ever own a giovanni key board, he has a penchant for substance abuse, loves razor scooters, his name is charles, and most importantly he's dead under tragic circumstances, which is a perfect reason for him not to go on to the after life. He's probably stuck here forced to live as a spectre who parties and plays muisic, left searching for that perfect gig that will allow him to move on to the next life. Until then he's gonna be chucking beef jerky with our rockin arses. Is this charles? We may never know, until Charles confirms his identity we'll keep searching, stay tuned for the next edition of "New Member Charles Investigates : the Death of Charles".
Forgive your children,
J

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Are you alive charles...no he's a ghost...idiot!

Hey yalllll Josh here, it has been a spell since we have posted, but we have been really really busy...not really though, just lazy. After our 1st 3 shows and a few months of rehersals, so we didnt look like fools for said shows ( we did) we are happily back in the writing phase trying to get some new tunes to Juicify our set so we can start playing a bit longer. Last week we finally got a new one in the books, its currently called Dragon Slayer but that name is tentative and was just put on here so i could link it to one of the greatest movies ever made, so look for the name to change and hopfully we will have a demo up sooner than later. Also look for a demo of Haunted by Waters comming as well as soon as we get it laid down on high definition lazer zape, a new technology invented by Zeus, the greek god

"Bracelet courtesy of Jared"

In other Charles related news, Last friday (9/10 )I had the pleasure of checking out Chris's other musical Troop "Love Songs For Lonely Monsters" at a show in Ames, IA at a DG's tap house, there have 1,208 beers on tap there. Love Songs is the long time brain child of our pal Nick Parks, and they also share a practice space with the NMC so we share a bond similar to roomates in college who live in different places and dont share dish doing duty. They've only been around a short spell but are worth checking out if ya have the chance to catch em, there have some great songs that are complex and sound deeply layered despite the band being a 4 piece. All in all they bring a nice balance of harder indyish stuff transitioned with occasional notes of quarky guitar driven pop, hopefully we'll get a chance to play on the same bill with em in the near future. I also saw Keepers of the Carpet later on in the evening, I have heard whispers that this band has been around for 30+ years and used to tour with the Cars back in the 80's, none of which have been confirmed. Reguardless it was really kool to see em live for the first time after only hearing them through digital devices, pure poppy blissful fun, and they even broke out an old nirvana tune which made the girls take there tops off.

Love Songs, Chris is the one with the hat.

Lastly we (band with the ghost) have a show comming up and you should come! This is the big 4th show for us and we will be pulling out all the stops, were bringing instruments, a ghost and new and exciting outfits which will inevetably start new trends of fashion fun. Yes i know it sounds like a normal charles show, but its not cause charles is going to sit in and play a song for this one. Any way this will be our second adventure at the always enjoyable Vaudeville mews in downtown Des Moines and are looking forward to getting back on stage after a month of sitting in our roach infested practice space playing air guitar with tennis racquettes (spelling...aww screw it ). The show is Saturday October 9th doors at 930, Charles is playing promptly at 10:00 pm for 35 mins or so followed by Remma and closeing is Drew Andrews & The Spectral Cities cover is 8 bones. It should be an interesting musical mishmash of sonic fun for kids ages 21 and older or those with misfit , more to come on the show in the following weeks and days.


"The Vaude" A GREAT PLACE FOR MUSIC, A BAD PLACE TO GO # 2

Love and Magic

J

Saturday, August 21, 2010

State Fair Maddness

We Played the fair fri august 20th 2010
We wore double popped collars
It was raining
An old man said we were too loud
my amp blew up
many of our family members showed up
a lady gave us free mac and cheese
we hope we play better at our next show

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hump Day Moustache: Now Moustache Free!!

Howdy-doo!! Well, what an exciting week in Charles-stan. We had our awesome face-splitting RAWK show last Friday out at the Vaudeville Mews, and passed out many many mini-Slim-Jims of love. (And by 'mini-Slim-Jims of love' I mean songs of wonderment and funn and awesomeness. And also actual mini-Slim-Jims. Of love.)

On top of that, it was a record week at the blog!! By our calculations, we got between 87 and 225,000 hits last week!! Probably due to the "Brandon Whizzer got kidnapped by ET" story leading the google-pack when using the google to search for "The Iowa running back getting kidnapped by ET." See, we try to be topical here, so in an effort to try to fenagle another quarter-billion hit week: BARACK OBAMA MOSQUE COLUMBIAN JET BRETT FAVRE VAGINA

...that should do it...

Also of note:

We're getting all super-duper-ly pumped for our show at the Iowa State Fair (I Know!!) this Friday at 3pm in the Budweiser Tent. We're really planning on ramping up the action for this bit and rucking the fuck outta some bitches seems like not just some sort of veiled promise, but an actual possibility...nee, a certainty!!

Josh will be along shortly this week with your tour guide so that you won't be all like, "dude, what the fuck is this place?? I came to see New Member Charles!! I totally wasn't expecting this much horse dung!!" Fear not, J will be taking you on your own little virtual tour to get you all prepared for the cavalcade of dung-edness that is the Iowa State Fair.

Now, since it's Wednesday, here's a picture of some funny people doing something stupid:

HILLAIOUS!!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Post Show Mews'ings

J here, first and formost we need to appologize to anyone who may have taken our Brandon Wegher story to heart as it now appears he may not have been abducted by aliens this according to the brilliant folks at Black Heart Gold Pants see article here. This means 2 things, the first ; we're not much of a sports blog, which is great news, cause we're a band and we're supposed to spend all our time punching meat and yelling at old dogs, and the second; the pizza's we were going to donate to the Wegher relief fund will now go to feed 3 hungover band members so we got some pie out of our idacy. NOTE: In the event it does still end up being an alien abduction we still stand bravely by our story and source. ONWARD!

OR IS IT?






Oh we also played a show this past Friday at Vaudeville Mews, the first in our homebase of Des Moines and we only mildly frighetened the crowd this time around in our greaser uniforms. We had a great turn out for the show and the sound was on point not to mention a prize winning Charles. Charles this time opted to sit out of playing any music and instead handed out Tobbasco flavored slim Jims to our rabid fan base in the crowd and danced a Jig to a cover of "Wave of Mutilation" by the Pixies, which was our closer. All in all was really really fun and hopfully the Mews has us back sooner than later for another evening of Ghost related fun. Oh wait picutres you ask ?? Yes we have them. How many? We actually shot 8 rolls, yes seriously 8, but all but 1 were lost in the fire, you know ...the fire. But good news we still got a whole roll of shots. Wait whats that? Oh, only one picture turned out on that roll, so correction we have "a" picture. This is Chris and shan....errr Charles in the green room before the show discussing the best way to disperse the Jims, notice the detail of clothing on both.

"Ok when we give the thumbs up, start killing baby kittens"
disclaimer: Very few kittens we're actually injured
Finally we have a show next Fri at 3 pm at The world famous Iowa State fair Budweiser Tent, just a heads up keep an eye out this week for" Tour Guide: Iowa State Fair edition" and more updates on that show.
Cheers,
j



Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Brandon Wegher reportedly abducted by Aliens, New Member Charles to the rescue.

J here, i know this isn't a sports blog but this is the first breaking news on the Brandon Wegher situation. It has been reported by all major media outlets today that the 5'11 210 pound running back out of Sioux City, Iowa has been missing from Iowa Hawkeyes football practice the past 2 days, without reason and no-one is commenting. Let me be the first to break the news, delivered by my top secret mildly reputable pseudo anonymous source who we will call Chuck, Brandon Wegher has reportedly been abducted by an Alien space craft and is being held at ransom while we speak. My source sent me the following pictures which confirm the story beyond a shadow of magic.

A DIGITAL PHOTO TAKEEN BY A FAN AT PRACTICE YESTERDAY
NOTICE THE DETAIL



RANSOM NOTE:
NOTICE THE GREEN SIGNATURE PROVING THAT IT IS ALIEN IN NATURE


The ransom note clearly states they have kidnapped Wegher and will not return him until their demands are met. Coach Kirk Ferentz declined to give us a quote on the situation but did say off the record it has always been his policy not to negotiate with Alien terrorists. In light of this Story New Member Charles has decided to donate all of their earnings from their show this Friday to the Brandon Wegher relief fund in hopes that they will raise enough money to buy the 2 DIGORNO pizzas the aliens are demanding, please come out and support this noble cause.

New Member Charles
live at Vaudeville Mews
Des moines Iowa
doors 9:30 Charles at 10:00 sharp
in support of
Setting Sun
Longbottom Leaf
Quitzow
5 dollar cover

Monday, August 2, 2010

Paris

New video up enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Hump Day Moustache: High School Reunion Edition

So, I went to my High School Reunion last weekend. When I got there, I realized that I knew everybody there...and was friends with not a single one of them. Then it dawned on me that my only friend in HS was an immaginary monkey I named ChimChim. We were great friends until one day he refused to have a catch with me. He said he could never respect a man who's hero was a criminal (My hero is Fiona Apple). Also, I think he was kind of pissed that I kept calling him ChimChim, what with him being an Orangutan and not a Chimpanzee, and all...

Anyway...where was I?? OH!! Yes, the HS Reunion. Well, despite all of the face-to-face marketing that I did on behalf of the Good Ship Charles, I believe that if I were to calculate how many in attendance were reading this right now, I would probably be dissapointed, which might have more to do with the two gallons of Gin I drank and the half-dozen asses I uninvited-ly groped than a failure on my end to explicate the awesome-ness of New Member Charles.

Still, if any of you made it:

WELCOME: IPALOOK, AK HIGH SCHOOL CLASS OF 1978 TO THE NEW MEMBER CHARLES WEBSITE OF FUNN AND AWESOMENESS!!

Now here's a Moustache for you!!

EVER

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Hump Day Moustache: 07/28/2010

Hi!! I'm back from vacation everybody, and feel rested and refreshed!! And also very rested!!

So where did I go to get all rested and rested?? Branson, Mizzouri!! (they spell everything with z's there)



This Majestic View is still better than the movie "The Majestic"

Branson, known as the City of the Golden Z's was founded by Alfred Molina in 1982. But I'm not here to talk about Branson. That's Josh's job the next time we play at the Pierce Arrow Theatre. Nope, I need to get caught back up on the goings on of the world wide world while I was Ozark Mountain Daredevil-ing for the past week. So what happened while I was away??

- BP still sucks. Did you know that??
- The Kansas City Royals: Awesome at sucking at baseball
- Mike Tyson bit a man's ear off. That was bad.
- A bunch of people who know a bunch of stuff about numbers did a bunch of things to a bunch of numbers on Wall Street.
- Oh, and this guy's moustache said this:

The only thing that I love more than Forced Nationalization of Industry is: HITLER!!


OK, so I know Oliver Stone wasn't really saying that Hitler was good or anything. He was simply trying to explain that the forces behind his coming into power are largely unknown, and that exposing those causes would be an important lesson in history. Yeah, so why is it that we don't know as much as we do.

Waitwhat?? Oh...The Jews?? Shit...

Oh, well. So what do we know now about Oliver Stone:

- Thinks the Jews who control the media have over-exaggerated the scope of the Holocaust
- Thinks the Jews who control the media have hidden the true vehicles to Hitler's rise to power
- Thinks being a commie nutbag is a good thing
- Thinks Charlie Sheen is a good enough actor to base a Vietnam War epic around
- Thinks Tom Cruise is a good enough actor to base a Vietnam War Epic around
- Probably listens to JoviHitler.

What a fucker.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Fair Enough

Ahh nothing like a witty turn of phrase to raise the hairs on one's neck, J here with a quick blip on the Iowa State Fair show.... we're really playing it! The full schedule just came out and New Member Charles is on it and also in the Juice (which is a weekly here in Des Moines for those of you not from the area), meaning we need YOU dear fan to come drink beer and eat calories on a stick while we try to make your body reject the beer and calories on a stick with our tight musical stylings. Please spread the word so that we can beat our attendence record of 0 from last year, how can you do this? See below

Dan and Chris minutes after last years show...we killed it!

Script on how to get people to come to see New Member Charles at the Iowa State Fair.

Timil- Hey Jim Jim are you going to see the rock band New Member Charles at the Budweiser tent August 20th at 3 pm at the Iowa State fair in 90 degree weather and 100% humidity.
Jim Jim- Who?
Timil- New Member Charles.
Jim Jim- Wait i thought you Just said there name was "New Member Charles at the Budweiser tent August 20th at 3 pm at the Iowa State fair in 90 degree weather and 100% humidity"?
Timil- No no, that was their name plus a description of the date, location and expected weather conditions for the show.
Jim Jim- Oh i get it, the Bands Name is "New Member Charles".
Timil- Yes are you going?
Jim Jim- NO.
Timil- You should, i heard there a really neat band.
Jim Jim-Ok i would love to go, i work that day but i will quit my job cause its not important to have income for my 2 year old daughter and mortgage, not when a neat band is playing. Can you pick me up so i can save gas money since i wont have a job after the show.
Timil-Nope i gotta take some babes to the show so i wont have room, you should fly.
Jim Jim- Oh i forgot that i had this set of unicorn wings, yeah im just gonna fly ill see ya there.

Cheers,
J

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Welcome back Dan, and new demo up.

J here with big big news! Its has been a few months since Dan announced his retirement from New Member Charles to pursue his dream of becoming a professional fishing man. As his friends and bandmates we fully supported his decision to follow his dream and we let him continue to work with us as our session drummer with the stipulation that all his earnings that would have gone to him would go to Charles. Charles Chris and I continued to write tirelessly and Dan went on week long tours on the fishing man circut after which we would fill him in on the music. It was all going well until we began to see a change in Dan. No loger was he his old chipper self, he would come to our Monthly rehearsal angry, tired and with only one drum stick, he was also losing weight at an abnormal rate reaching a staggering 46 pounds at one point. We later found out that Dan was not as successful on the fishing man tour as he had led on and was living out of the back of his 1975 monte carlo. He had pawned one of his drum sticks to buy bait and hadn't caught a descent fish in weeks spurning him to pull casting tricks for change to buy gas to get him to the next fishing man competition. Last week Joey Fatone chairman of the Fishing man association dismissed Dan due to his third last place finish in 2 weeks ( picture from final weight in below).



Despite the fact that all other competitors had boats dan still managed to catch a fish, but is still a failure.


Dan came back to Iowa the next night and we all decided it was time and with that on behalf of Charles and Chris I, I would like to publicly welcome Dan back as an official member of New Member Charles, but on reduced pay (minimum wage) until we are certain his bait addiction has been handled. All of us couldn't be happier and we are accepting donations to get Dan a new drum stick, as we spent the 5 grand we made in KC on BBQ and Sweet Tea liquor.

Also in other news we posted a bare bones demo demon version of a new song called "The Room Has Changed" on our Myspace page. Check it out and let us know what ya think if ya get's a sec. We should have new cleaner demo versions of most our songs by our aug 13th show at the Mews so stay tuned and also keep your eyes peeled this week for the live video of our song "Paris" taken from our multi cam practice a few weeks ago.

Praise Be to Charles,

J

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Hump Day Houstache: 07/15/2010

So, super duper show on Saturday folks!! Josh made his thoughts clear on Monday (supersweet gong in pic #2), and I just want to piggy-back on him by saying that doin' it live was the bestest decision ever, and we Ruck the Fuck outta some bitches.

Here, for my weekly duty, I have selected our very own (DAN!!) as the recipient of the very prostegious honor of the Hump Day Moustache (for the second time!!).

OK, so this pic was already featured on Josh's Monday post, but this will be different becuse I present it in the form of a scene from my yet to be written three act suspense thriller. The full project still doesn't have a title, but I have named this particular scene "The Poop of Chili Town." Does best when you imagine it with ominous violins and such:

ME [knocking on door]: DAN!! What the eff, man. We gotta go?!?!

Dan: Just hang on a sec, man.

Me: C'mon, man...we gotta get on the road. The Queen is totally waiting for us to Ruck the Fuck outta Wembly Stadium!!

Dan: Just one more minute.

[door bursts open]

Me: Still Nuthin'??

Dan: Still Nuthin'

Me: Jesus, man. Eat some prunes.

-FIN-

Monday, July 12, 2010

We played a concert....does that mean we're a band?

New Member Charles has officially landed. Here are a few pics from our first excursion into the world of live-ness. Next week we'll prolly be on the late show with Bill Mahoney playing our songs and talking about science fiction books in top dollar threads. Until then drink up the fun that was our first show, live from Kansas city aka the emerald tower city. We opened for Black and Bier at Winslows BBQ and the only thing that was better than the BBQ was our tambourine playing 5th member of the band Charles, without whom none of this would be possible. It was a hoot and we only startled 70% of the people in attendance with our uniforms worn in honor of breaking the cham-pain over our Charles boat. Cheers j









Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Breaking Jovi News

So, you remember this?? We were all jazzed about writing a song to be the next pirate-hatted FreeCreditReport.com song writers. I mean, it was inevatable. We are awesome, and we can surely write kick-ass tuneage regarding the importance of whatever the hell that website does (it really is a mystery).

Well, Josh did some digging and came up with - I have to say - some pretty rock-solid mathematical evidence as to how we would win the competition

"We should be a favorite to win due to our fan to fan vote ratio, popular bands...say for instance Jovi, have millions of fans of which only a percentage will vote say 6,848,612 or in imperical number 87.6% or in FTFVR .876"

He goes on to say that because all of our fans are extremely loyal, we should have no problem beating out Jovi or any other band by virtue of the fact that we kill it in FTFVR. This logic = flawless.

Well, it turns out the good people at FreeCreditScoreportage.com don't give a hoot about this metric, and calculate on total votes instead. PHOEY!!

Well, as you can tell, this puts us in a precarious position. How do we win this competition against the likes of a powerhouse like Jovi who, despite sucking much more than us at music have had a 20 year head-start on fan hoarding?? I mean, I'm sure we'll reach the worldwide level of band domination on par with Jovi in five, maybe six months...but until then?? SCREWED.

Or maybe not...it turns out Jovi released an album not too long ago entitled Have a Nice Day. The acronym for that title is H.A.N.D. Hmmm...interesting. What, exactly, Jovi, is it that you want to "HAND" us?? Affordable housing, social services and crisis relief?? Hardly. You see, we now have evidence of the dasterdly plan to hand us good citizens of the world...

...A GLOBAL RACE OF ARYAN SUPER BABIES!!




AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!



Well, I think that just about does it, doesn't it?? Who are you gonna vote for now?? Your good friends at New Member Charles, or a bunch of New Jersey Nazis?? That's what I thought. And be warned FreeCreditReScoreFinder.com. Don't be fooled by the alure of Jovi. Our good buddy and Charles once hooked up the ghost of Winston Churchill with some Cuban cigars, so don't think we'd be hesitant to call in a favor.

***************************************************

DISCLAIMER: This site is intended as satire only, and should not be in any way taken as the truth. Jon Bon Jovi does a lot of great charity work thru his foundation, which you can find by following the links above. Seriously, neither Bon Jovi not their music have anything to do with Nazism or any frame of thought that could be confused for Nazism. We kid because we love. Their charity work...not really their music, though. We're more Dokken fans here.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Horse Collar video

Heres the first of a few videos from one of our practices from June. This is a new diddy, you may have heard about here called Horse Collar. This was all shot on 5 24 np hd cameras with red rock lenses dumped to p2 cards and then rendered to look like a substandard 30i ntsc signal and then rendered down to a low grade avi so it would fit on you tube. The sound is average at best, but it was recorded using 4 diamond microphones made of silk so suck it. Stay tuned for more psudo-hd mid grade diamond-silky sounding video to come from your friends at new member Charles.


CHEERS,

J

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Tour Guide: KANSAS CITY, MO

Greetings and Salutations, it is J here with the first of many New Member Charles Tour Guides. These guides will be submitted before our upcoming shows to let our thousands of adoring fans know what the haps on the craps is in the respective cities/areas where are shows are at. Our first stop brings us to Kansas City where we will be playing our first live show together at none other than Winslow’s BBQ, located in the city market area of downtown Kansas City. First some back ground on Kansas City also know as The City of 3 Breezes…

History
Kansas City, was founded in 1972 by Jimmi Smits (know for his LA Law fame) as a land trade done by the hippies in exchange for a bag of marbles and a fried pork tenderloin sandwich.


Obama: "Thats a good knock knock Jimmi"
Smits: "Of course it is I founded Kansas City"

Smits, only 18 at the time, saw the potential of the land and was encouraged by the fertile soil, beautiful rivers and abundance of Native American cursed land which allowed for the deal to go through cheaply, this can also explain why the current sports teams seem to have a hex on them. Seen poltergeist...i thought so... watch out for clown dolls! Initially named Worlds of Fun by Smits, the town went on to abandon the name 4 years later due to the increasing popularity of the band Kansas. In tribute to Smits, for founding the city, an Amusement park/ museum was opened then known as Smits’s Worlds of Fun, now knowN as Worlds of Fun as a result of Smits Joining the cast of LA law rather then the failed pilot Kansas City Law. The town has also since denounced Smits and its people are forbidden to speak of him, Smits also has chosen to denounce them by appearing first three Star Wars movies, they could care less, they have the Royals.



When founded, the town had a population of 15 settlers and in the 28 years since inception KC has grown to a population of over 65 thousand. Over the years a lot of neat neat things have happened there, but none of those are important because you fair reader have only 1 thing on your mind….food…do they have food in Kansas City? How much is it? Can I buy it anywhere? Do I need a medical card to buy food in Kansas City? Rest easy this will all be covered.

Food: Kansas City is widely know for its BBQ and lets face it, we all love some BBQ, so I’ve decided to skip the BBQ joints, due to the fact that there is 26.5 BBQ restaurants per city block in KC (short for Kansas City)heck we’re playing at a BBQ joint so plan on eating there and during the day go right for what Kansas city should be know for, good old fashioned Fast Food. I will cover the top three selections I feel Kansas City has to offer.



Foods


1. McDonalds : 4002 North Oak Trafficway location. This location has really good burgers. (that’s short for hamburger) And they recently got a new trash can, which is exciting.






View Larger Map



2. Burger King : 1102 Emanuel Cleaver II blvd location. This location also has really good burgers, and lots of seating.






View Larger Map


3. McDonalds: 6305 northeast Antioch rd location: You think, what??? Mcdonalds again?? Well piss and moan all you want but you’ll be a warm lump of bliss once you have one of their shakes, burgers are really good here too.






View Larger Map
Sights and Attractions:


Ok so KC has some pretty dope food.... I got rotgut now, what do I do next Charles? This one is easy my friends you say screw everything, museums, cemeteries, wood factories….blah blah boring and go right for it ….Smits’s….er rather just plain simple Worlds of Fun. Its technically a museum so you will sound refined and on those hot KC summer days (ave temp 142 degrees Celsius) you needs to kool off with a balloon shaped lemonade and some rollercoaster fun. And Afterword why not hit up one of the restaurants listed above to build a base for a gut full of ghost infused emo sports rock.Add Image



The Scarey Coaster- A death defying 26 foot drop


Directions:

If you coming from out of town get on a major interstate or road and drive till you see a sign for Kansas City, if you see signs that don’t say Kansas City try another diection.

New Member Charles
Live at Winslow’s BBQ- SAT July 10th 2010 7:00 PM
20 East 15th street KC, MO

Friday, July 2, 2010

Reset Expectaiotns to "Balls"; "Holy Balls"

Wow!! Saw a preview of the webcast show from J last night, and as you can probably decipher from the headline, it was much more Super Dude-ical than even we expected. The sound problems seem to have been a function of buying headphone monitors from the good people at Fisher Pirce instead of the music sounding like crap outright. Once played thru a proper sound-source, the real New Member Charles comes out and we "Ruck the Fuck" outta some bitches.

Josh still has some editing to do, though:

"I still have to transmorgify webcam 2 and then synch up the lean'ender board with the silk scrim. Then, it's just a simple matter of linking the draft-match to my HLBXT hard drive. Easy as pie!!"

Dude, I'm telling you, you can totally see bush!!

You see, Josh went to film school, so I completely trust every word he says. And I totally don't think he was trying to fuck with me while I was just nodding at everything he said in an attempt to make him thinkg that I knew what the fuck he was talking about...not at all. (Those lean'ender boards can be tricky, after all.)

Except for the part where he says, "easy as pie!!" I mean, what makes pie so easy??

Who the fuck says that??

Share

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hump Day Moustache: World Cupdate Edition

USA!! USA!! USA!!

I know you all are just like us over here at NMC, just getting over the jingoistic hangover of The US's (you-ESS-izz [??]) EPIC winning of the 2010 FIFA World Cup!! And EPIC it was!!

The US carried home the Koman Coulibaly Trophy in stunning fashion by beating the unbeatable Russians 12-11 in what's already known as the Greatest Fuuht-bowl Match of all times!! And also forever!! The Russians hadn't been beaten in TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!!

The big star of the match was Landon Donovan, who scored a fifth quarter hat trick, and then re-married his estranged wife on the podium during the trophy presentation, even though he was proabaly already still married to her because that's what People Magazine told everyone. He then went on to totally not impregnate any young tramps whilst playing for Manchester Hotspurrsenal United Liverpool club team in England last summer.

So bully for you lads (soccer slingo for 'super-duper sweet brah!!')!! Here, in honor of your World Cup Title, is this guy (and his moustache):

The only thing I like more than US Soccer...is Pu**sy

"Super Dud-ical" Charles UPDATE:

I know many of you out there in Charles-burg are restlessly waiting for our webcam show to hit the intranets. Well, it seems that we had a few unforseen SNAFUs along the way. We got some excellent video last night, but the audio ended up sounding like doo-doo. J is gonna waive his magic edit wand over the footage and come up with something. Or we might just set the whole thing to the Ghostbusters song, you know...just to show Charles who's boss.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Balls!! No, Like HOLY BALLS!!

BIG week here at NMC. We got a special super-awesome dude-ical (yes, dude-ical. That's how big this is) frikkin' sweet (wait for it...)

WEBCAST SHOW

I know!! At least that's what I think you're supposed to call it. We're gonna set up some web-cams (that's slingo for web-cameras) in Dan's basement, and play our music, and then post it on line. When?? Who knows. Considering it takes us upwards of about two hours to figure out how to change the font on this here blog, it might take us a while to get the whole "uploading content" thing down. But, rest assured, when we do, it will be all like, "Dude!!," and we'll be all, "I know!!"

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hump Day Moustache 6/23/2010

It's that time of the week again, this week we have a photo of Dan in 2006 at a Ravi Shankar concert in Indianola. Dan spent 14 years growing this mustache and in a recent interview with a fake publication that interviewed us, he said it made him feel quote " God like". - J



I once caught a cold....this big

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Ghost Hunters Royal Mile edition:

6/22/2010- Dan Chris and Josh here writing from the Locust Tap on the specter that stalked us at the bands last Visit to the royal mile with guest Photographer Brother Bart. We were sipping high gravity ales and talking about times past when Bart decided to take a pic pic (facebook talk for picture). Upon going back to the New Member Charles greenroom to develop our new exposures an eerie feeling struck us all as we inhaled the developing solution and huffed paint. There it was...the ghost of Al Capone. See picture below.




There is an eerie haze above that we tested with our ekg meter that is undeniably the spirit of one Alfonze Capone. You can tell by the Italian look of his haze that he travels on which is in the center of the picture above. It was then we decided to research this phenomenon so we headed to the local library to pick up the 2006 edition of the Toban's spirit guide which features a whole section on the ghosts of overweight gangsters with std's. We discovered AL had been living in Des Moines for over 20 years due to the low housing costs and abundance of work for people in their afterlife. We decided to ask Charles if he had any encounters with Al's ghost and to our surprise he told us that Al is apart of his side metal project Maggot Empire and plays a mean theremin. Charles mentioned he could get us a sit down and bam 2 days later there we were face to face at a bar with the man himself Ghost Al Capone drinking beers and telling jokes about people he killed with bats and then ran back into in the after life. We had drinks, we laughed, we shared storys it was truly a night Chris Dan and I will never forget.

Toodles,

J


Monday, June 21, 2010

Hey, So Here's A New Picture

Pretty cool, huh??

Dan:I think a squirrel is coming down the alley. Josh: Aww-Shucks (Jorts).

So, you may be asking yourself, "Hey, aren't there like three people in the band?? And what of Charles, the fourth member?? You know, the ghost who lives in the rehearsal space and plays the Giovanni keyboard??" Well, it just so happens that this picture was taken on June 3rd, and while I know that the rest of America was mourning the passing of Rue McClanahan on that date, Charles was busy trying to get frolicsome with the newly-spectre'd Ms. Blanche Devereaux. This left myself as the only one to hold the camera, and therefore miss an opportunity to look dour and staid in front of a half-tagged stone wall.

Also, Charles was not successful in his badonka-quest:

"What a cocktease. You'd think with how frisky she was on that show, she'd want a little action. Bummer. Supposed to go swimming with Jeff Buckley later this week...said Natalie Wood might come along. Fingers crossed!!"

NOTES:

OK, so we do have some things in the Charles-hopper this week. We wrote two new songs (I know!!) of which we should have demos this week, along with the afore-mentioned Horse Collar. Things are also creeping closer to our triumphant debut in KC on July 10th, so we're hitting it two times a week till then. We still need some lyrics, so send your good vibeage our way.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hump Day Moustache: 06/16/2010

I know it's been a little quiet on the Charles front this past week. Does this mean that nothing has been going on in Charles-land?? *pfft* PLEASE!! We just haven't been able to get all of the exciting things off our mind and onto the canvas that is the obscure land of the "Band in Des Moines, Iowa" blogosphere. Rest assured, we'll have you up and excited for all the...um...excitingness (??) soon. In the meantime, here's a special edition of the HDM.

You've all seen this logo show up here in the past. Well, Josh did a little handy-work and gussied up the prettyness factor of said logo. LOOK!!

This...is what you call "Kick Ass"

On top of this, Charles wanted to get into the moustache-friendly action 'round these parts. He was so excited about the Norris sighting, that he vowed to, quote, "Kick the shit outta him, moustache-style." Well, I don't know about that, Charles...I mean, have you even heard about Chuck Norris' supernatural abilities to do things that seem impossible?? Somebody told me that when the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks under the bed for Chuck Norris. SCARY!!

Well, not one to be outdone by any of the other members of the group, here's Charles gettin' his Dali on:

I dare say...those clocks do seem a bit sloth-like
So there's you're HDM for this week. Enjoy. And watch out for Chuck Norris, Charles. I hear that he sleeps with a pillow under his gun!! And that seems totally true and rational!!